Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, 'Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is your way. And I am not questioning your wisdomosity. In future, however, would it be possible for my life to be not so entirely crap? Thank you.

When Mutti and Vati came in I didn't speak to them. I just unfurled the CAT MOLESTERS banner I had made.

I am soooo excited, I am over-excited. I'm hysterical, I may have to slap my own face in a minute at this rate.

I am going to become a writer for Cosmo - you don’t have to make any sense at all. Or maybe I’ll be a bloke, they don’t have to make sense either.

Jas, whatever Tom has under his trousers is between you and him.

Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.

Some things in life are not pleasant but they have to be done. For instance, German and maths.