There he is, tall, tanned, Italian, sophisticated. So what do you do?" I said, "Er, leap on him and snog him within an inch of his life? Taking care not to strangle myself on his false beard, or disturb his banana.

I am soooo excited, I am over-excited. I'm hysterical, I may have to slap my own face in a minute at this rate.

What shall I say? I must tread a fine line between glaciosity and friendlinosity. With just a hint of 'you don't know what you are missing, my fine-feathered friend.

I wanted to kill her and make her eat her fringe. And her knickers.

He came over and ruffled my hair, which is technically assault. I could get on the blower to ChildLine.

Watching TV mum said," Do you miss your dad?" And I said," Who?

Dad at breakfast today being very quiet. I notice he is clean shaven. I said to him, "Vati, what has happened to the little beaver that used to live on the end of your chin?