He came over and ruffled my hair, which is technically assault. I could get on the blower to ChildLine.

Here is another marvy glimpse into the gothic basement that I call my mind.

I am exhausted by trying to get along with the Lord.

I couldn't believe it. It was unbelievable, that's why. My face was like a frozen fish finger. All rigid and pale. (But obviously not with breadcrumbs on it.)

Dad at breakfast today being very quiet. I notice he is clean shaven. I said to him, "Vati, what has happened to the little beaver that used to live on the end of your chin?

A nod is as good as a wink to a blind badger.

You wouldn't say ' You've got the crappest eyes I've ever seen. Your eyes make me physically sick.