Here is my recipe for a mood enhancer. Take a friend, preferably one with a really annoying fringe and outsize pants, and when she is rambling on swiftly, push her into a ditch and run away.

Jas, you are three hundred miles away. You would have to have nunga-nungas the size of France for Jock to be able to rest his hand on them.

I wanted to kill her and make her eat her fringe. And her knickers.

Watching TV mum said," Do you miss your dad?" And I said," Who?

How many times do we all have to do this? Get up, go to school, again? Before everyone admits it's a crap idea?

And that's when it fell off in my hand

When Mutti and Vati came in I didn't speak to them. I just unfurled the CAT MOLESTERS banner I had made.