I wanted to kill her and make her eat her fringe. And her knickers.

Or if I truly gave up I could be like Wet Lindsay. When Robbie dumped her she got all pale and even wetter than normal. She was like an anoraksick. (A person who is both very thin and wears tragic anoraks.) I just made that up as a joke. Even though I am very upset I can still think of a joke.

What is that song they are singing Is it an old Yorkshire ditty you know like that 'On Ilkley Moor Bar T'at' " Ruby said "Nah it's a football song. It goes 'We hate Chelsea we hate Chelsea we are the Chelsea haters.

He came over and ruffled my hair, which is technically assault. I could get on the blower to ChildLine.

You are not ashamed of our luuurve, are you, Jas?' 'Look, shut up, people might hear.' 'What do you mean, the people who live in the telephone?

I like the idea that I can talk to any teenage girls. You know, in a language that makes sense to them.

When Mutti and Vati came in I didn't speak to them. I just unfurled the CAT MOLESTERS banner I had made.