I never wanted to be a literary writer. I wanted to be an entertainer. All I wanted was to give what a lot of writers had given me: a good time on a bad day.

That was the trouble with so many reality programmes on television - everyone wanted fame these days without necessarily working at anything to achieve it.

A lady is as young as the gentleman she feels," said Roy and cackled happily.

Do you know why more people don't sober up? Because they don't wear their livers on the outside. If everyone wore their liver on their forehead, say, it would be on full view and people would say, 'Heffens, Jock, that liver of yours is looking fair hobnailed,' and they would get shamed into doing something about it.

Isn't it sad that we only get upset about nasty things happening to people and places if television decides we should?

the whistle of the old steam trains ... could conjure up visions of bleak distances with one solitary wail.

Clever plastic surgery can restore an appearance of youth, but nothing changes the expression of age and experience in the eyes.