Clever plastic surgery can restore an appearance of youth, but nothing changes the expression of age and experience in the eyes.

A lady is as young as the gentleman she feels," said Roy and cackled happily.

More and more people each year are going abroad for Christmas ... Fed up with the fact that commercial Christmas starts in October. Fed up with carols. Dreading the arrival of Christmas cards from people they have forgotten to send a card to. Unable to bear yet another family get-together with Auntie Mary puking up in the corner after sampling too much of the punch. You see in the airports the triumphant glitter in the eyes of people who are leaving it all behind, including the hundredth rerun of Miracle on 34th Street.

I never wanted to be a literary writer. I wanted to be an entertainer. All I wanted was to give what a lot of writers had given me: a good time on a bad day.

Just at the turn of the tide, nature held its breath - no bird sang, everything seemed to be waiting and waiting. And then, sure enough, as if someone had flicked a switch, everything started in motion again.

That was the trouble with so many reality programmes on television - everyone wanted fame these days without necessarily working at anything to achieve it.

Ah, when love dies, women lose two and a half inches in height.