Sometimes the only way to deal with horrific things in life is through a dark sense of humor.

Let's not hate ourselves. We are all we have. We cannot change anything until we accept that. I cannot do this alone. I don't love myself enough to do it alone, but I can do it if we have a pact, if I am keeping up my end of the bargain. I have been a longtime perpetrator of hate crimes against myself, and I am turning myself in. I have had enough.

I feel like this song [Yello, "Oh Yeah"] was probably done in a couple of minutes in a studio. There was probably no thought behind it; they were just playing with some samples and threw it together. I feel like there's no dream behind the song. Usually there's a dream or some kind of passion attached to a song. This song feels very empty. It made a lot of money for the songwriters but at the expense of culture.

My inclination during sex always is to use sex toys. That's not something men are often used to.

As a comedian you are making yourself vulnerable in order to make others happy.

Monogamy is so weird. Like when you know their name and stuff.

Most conservatives also believe in the death penalty, but not abortion, which proves they like to procrastinate.