I mean, what's great about touring is that's what you do. You're in a constant state of motion and then you stop to do a show and you move onto the next city. All you have to do is do the show. That's the only responsibility that you have.

My former bullies pay extra to come backstage and meet me after shows, and I pretend not to know them in front of their friends. It is the most divine pleasure to exact the revenge of the brutalized child that resides within.

Grow up and let anyone try to content with the adult you.

There's a lot of guy comics who I think are funny, but I generally am more excited about a special or a show where there are females.

My parents never really had that much money, so I kind of live in the same world that they do.

Why go through life feeling cheated? It does nothing but make you bitter.

Success is meaningless if you can't sleep at night because of harsh things said, petty secrets sharpened against hard and stony regret, just waiting to be plunged into the soft underbelly of a 'friendship.'