English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.

Thanksgiving Day - Let all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys, they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji.

If you're looking for friends when you need them...it's too late.

It is a gratification to me to know that I am ignorant of art... Because people who understand art find nothing in pictures but blemishes.

The self taught man seldom knows anything accurately, and he does not know a tenth as much as he could have known if he had worked under teachers, and besides, he brags, and is the means of fooling other thoughtless people into going and doing as he himself has done.

It takes a heap of sense to write good nonsense

We laugh and laugh. Then cry and cry- Then feebler laugh, Then die.