A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out.

No man that has ever lived has done a thing to please God--primarily. It was done to please himself, then God next.

Man seems to be a rickety poor sort of thing, any way you take him; a kind of British Museum of infirmities and inferiorities. He is always undergoing repairs. A machine that was as unreliable as he is would have no market.

There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus and upset the convictions and debauch the emotions of an audience not practiced in the tricks and delusions of oratory

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

I'm in favor of progress; it's change I don't like.

The most outrageous lies that can be invented will find believers if a person only tells them with all his might.