It is a mistake that there is no bath that will cure people's manners, but drowning would help.

When you want genuine music -- music that will come right home to you like a bad quarter, suffuse your system like strychnine whisky, go right through you like Brandreth's pills, ramify your whole constitution like the measles, and break out on your hide like the pin-feather pimples on a picked goose, -- when you want all this, just smash your piano, and invoke the glory-beaming banjo!

One of life's most over-valued pleasures is sexual intercourse; of one of life's least appreciated pleasures in defecation.

The two Testaments are interesting, each in its own way. The Old one gives us a picture of these people's Deity as he was before he got religion, the other one gives us a picture of him as he appeared afterward.

It is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with Chicago-she outgrows his prophecies faster than he can make them. She is always a novelty; for she is never the Chicago you saw when you passed through the last time.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man