I wonder if God created man because He was disappointed with the monkey.

I have thought many times since that if poets when they get discouraged would blow their brains out, they could write very much better when they got well.

Hotels are the only proper places for lecturers. When I am ill-natured I so enjoy the freedom of a hotel where I can ring up a domestic and give him a quarter and then break furniture over him.

Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go.

Be good and you'll be lonesome

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom.

If you've got a nice fresh corpse, fetch him out!