I wonder if God created man because He was disappointed with the monkey.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our day of electric wires and water-ballast we turn it around: Man waits not for time nor tide.

Fortune knocks at every man's door once in a life, but in a good many cases the man is in a neighboring saloon and does not hear her.

Good judgment comes from experience. And where does experience come from? Experience comes from bad judgment.

Man has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights...sexual intercourse!...His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word, it has not a single feature in it that he actually values.

A mine is a hole in the ground with a liar on top.