I wonder if God created man because He was disappointed with the monkey.

If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

If men bore children, there would only be one born in each family.

I was born lazy. I am no lazier now than I was forty years ago, but that is because I reached the limit forty years ago. You can't go beyond possibility.

I went to the circus, and loafed around the back side till the watchman went by, and then dived in under the tent. I had my twenty-dollar gold piece and some other money, but I reckoned I better save it.... I ain't opposed to spending money on circuses, when there ain't no other way, but there ain't no use in wasting it on them.

There are some few people I respect and admire, but I don't think much of the species.