... the English alphabet is pure insanity..., It can hardly spell any word in the language with any degree of certainty.

The joy of killing! the joy of seeing killing done - these are traits of the human race at large.

What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.

Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know.

Happiness ain't a thing in itself -it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. And so, as soon as the novelty is over and the force of the contrast dulled, it ain't happiness any longer, and you have to get something fresh.

The true and lasting genius of humour does not drag you thus to boxes labelled 'pathos,' 'humour,' and show you all the mechanism of the inimitable puppets that are going to perform. How I used to laugh at Simon Tapperwit, and the Wellers, and a host more! But I can't do it now somehow; and time, it seems to me, is the true test of humour. It must be antiseptic.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.