There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.

You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.

Consider the average intelligence of the common man, then realize 50% are even stupider.

I admire him, I frankly confess it; and when his time is come I shall buy a piece of the rope for a keepsake.

When I take up one of Jane Austen's books ... I feel like a barkeep entering the kingdom of heaven. I know what his sensation would be and his private comments. He would not find the place to his taste, and he would probably say so.

How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it.