Wisdom teaches us that none but birds should go out early, and that not even birds should do it unless they are out of worms.

Thanksgiving day. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks now, but the turkeys.

I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes.

A banquet is probably the most fatiguing thing in the world except ditchdigging. It is the insanest of all recreations. The inventor of it overlooked no detail that could furnish weariness, distress, harassment, and acute and long-sustained misery of mind and body.

The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of ungraceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.