Humor is like a frog; if you dissect it, it dies.

Custom is petrification, nothing but dynamite can dislodge it for a century.

When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat.

Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to do?

An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.