I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.

Every year you wait, long ago gets farther away.

Too bad that youth is wasted on the young.

One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed it. They also believed the world was flat.

When a man arrives at great prosperity God did it: when he falls into disaster he did it himself.

I had longed to be a butterfly, and I was one at last. I attended private parties in sumptuous evening dress, simpered and aired my graces like a born beau, and polkaed and schoisched with a step peculiar to myself - and the kangaroo.