I think the Cincinnati Enquirer must be edited by children.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

You can't no more teach what you ain't learned than you can come from where you ain't been.

Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions are all based upon that large defect in your race - the individual's distrust of his neighbor, and his desire, for safety's or comfort's sake, to stand well in his neighbor's eye. These institutions will always remain, and always flourish, and always oppress you, affront you, and degrade you, because you will always be and remain slaves of minorities. There was never a country where the majority of the people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions.

Human pride is not worthwhile; there is always something lying in wait to take the wind out of it.

Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money off them.

The piano may do for love-sick girls who lace themselves to skeletons, and lunch on chalk, pickles and slate pencils, but give me the banjo.