When in doubt, tell the truth. That maxim I did invent, but never expected it to be applied to me. I did say, "When you are in doubt," but when I am in doubt myself I use more sagacity.

Protestant parents still keep a Bible handy in the house, so that the children can study it, and one of the first things the little boys and girls learn is to be righteous and holy and not piss against the wall. They study those passages more than they study any others, except those which incite to masturbation. Those they hunt out and study in private.

A lie can make it half way around the world before the truth has time to put its boots on.

God, so atrocious in the Old Testament, so attractive in the New--the Jekyl and Hyde of sacred romance.

The old saw says - 'Let a sleeping dog lie.' Experience knows better; experience says, If you want to convince do it yourself.

Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration.

Each nation knowing it has the only true religion and the only sane system of government, each despising all the others, each an ass and not suspecting it.