Never waste a lie; you never know when you may need it.

Politicians, old buildings, and prostitutes become respectable with age.

I was born with Halley's Comet and I expect to die upon its return

What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.

When the Lord finished the world, he pronounced it good. That is what I said about my first work, too. But Time, I tell you, Time takes the confidence out of these incautious opinions. It is more than likely that He thinks about the world, now, pretty much as I think about the Innocents Abroad. The fact is, there is a trifle too much water in both.

The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter.