If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

If we only had some God in the country's laws, instead of being in such a sweat to get him into the Constitution, it would be better all around.

The first time a student realizes that a little learning is a dangerous thing is when he brings home a poor report card.

If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.

He was endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.

Damn these human beings; if I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag.