Humor is man's greatest blessing.

The true pioneer of civilization is not the newspaper, not religion, not the railroad - but whiskey!

These people´s God has shown them by a million acts that he respects none of the Bible´s statues. He breaks every one of them himself, adultery and all.

Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

I could forgive the boy, now, if he'd committed a million sins!

O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain.

Tight pants are just uncomfortable.