When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.

There isn't a Parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if it had had its rights.

In the small town of Hannibal, Missouri, when I was a boy, everybody was poor, but didn't know it; and everybody was comfortable and did know it.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Italy is the home of art and swindling; home of religion and moral rottenness

The Christian Bible is a drug store. It´s contents have remained the same but the medical practice continues. For 1,800 years these changes were slight--scarcely noticeable... The dull and ignorant physician day and night, and all the days and all the nights, drenched his patient with vast and hideous doses of the most repulsive drugs to be found in the store´s stock. He kept him religion sick for eighteen centuries, and allowed him not a well day during all that time.