When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.

Learning to play two pairs is worth about as much as a college education, and about as costly.

Jesus died to save men - a small thing for an immortal to do - and didn't save many, anyway. But if he had been damned for the race, that would have been act of a size proper to a god, and would have saved the whole race.

All human rules are more or less idiotic.

All men have heard of the Mormon Bible, but few except the "elect" have seen it, or, at least, taken the trouble to read it. I brought away a copy from Salt Lake. The book is a curiosity to me, it is such a pretentious affair, and yet so "slow," so sleepy; such an insipid mess of inspiration. It is chloroform in print. If Joseph Smith composed this book, the act was a miracle — keeping awake while he did it was, at any rate.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.