All I care to know about a man is that he is a human being... he can't be any worse.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.

Always obey your parents. When they are present. This is the best policy in the long run. Because if you don't, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

The jury system puts a ban upon intelligence and honesty and a premium upon ignorance, stupidity and perjury.

A policeman in plain clothes is a man; in his uniform he is ten. Clothes and title are the most potent thing, the most formidable influence, in the earth. They move the human race to willing and spontaneous respect for the judge, the general, the admiral, the bishop, the ambassador, the frivolous earl, the idiot duke, the sultan, the king, the emperor. No great title is efficient without clothes to support it.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.