Geniuses are people who dash off weird, wild, incomprehensible poems with astonishing facility, & then go & get booming drunk & sleep in the gutter. Genius elevates a man to ineffable speres [sic] far above the vulgar world, & fills his soul with a regal contempt for the gross & sordid things of earth. It is probably on account of this that people who have genius do not pay their board, as a general thing.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

It has taken a weary long time to persuade American Presbyterians to give up infant damnation and try to bear it the best they can.

If the world ends, I'll just head on down to Kentucky because they're always 20 years behind.

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

Children have but little charity for one another's defects

Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.