Stripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that.

I think that the reason why we Americans seem to be so addicted to trying to get rich suddenly is merely because the opportunity to make promising efforts in that direction has offered itself to us with a frequency out of all proportion to the European experience.

Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

All human rules are more or less idiotic.

A sincere compliment is always grateful to a lady, so long as you don't try to knock her down with it.

A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: "Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.