I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.

The first half of my life I went to school, the second half of my life I got an education.

A conspiracy is nothing but a secret agreement of a number of men for the pursuance of policies which they dare not admit in public

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

Wit and Humor - if any difference, it is in duration - lightning and electric light. Same material, apparently; but one is vivid, and can do damage - the other fools along and enjoys elaboration.

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.

The easy part of being an artist is figuring out the message that everyone else is ready to hear. The hard part is waiting for the proper lull to make the announcement.