Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Benefit of clergy: Half-rate on the railroad.

If you will notice, there is seldom a telegram in a paper which fails to show up one or more members & beneficiaries of our Civilization as promenading with his shirt-tail up & the rest of his regalia in the wash.

School gets in the way of my learning.

A banker is somebody who lends you an umbrella & takes it away as soon as it starts raining.

And I urge upon you this - which I think is wisdom - if you find you can't make seventy by any but an uncomfortable road, don't you go.

The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.'