I repeat, sir, that in whatever position you place a woman she is an ornament to society and a treasure to the world. As a sweetheart, she has few equals and no superiors; as a cousin, she is convenient; as a wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper, she is precious; as a wet-nurse, she has no equal among men. What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Nothing so focuses the mind as the prospect of being hanged.

I was dead for millions of years before I was born and it never inconvenienced me a bit.

Whenever a copyright law is to be made or altered, then the idiots assemble.

Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we'd all have frozen to death!

A banker is somebody who lends you an umbrella & takes it away as soon as it starts raining.

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.