I try never to let my schooling get in the way of my education.

I don't know anything about this man. Anyhow, I only know two things about him. One is, he has never been in jail, and the other is, I don't know why.

A German joke is no laughing matter.

The cigar-box which the European calls a 'lift' needs but to be compared with our elevators to be appreciated. The lift stops to reflect between floors. That is all right in a hearse, but not in elevators. The American elevator acts like a man's patent purge-it works.

The Autocrat of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot stop a sneeze.

The more you join with people in their joys and their sorrows, the more nearer and dearer they come to be to you.

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.