Epitaphs are cheap, and they do a poor chap a world of good after he is dead, especially if he had hard luck while he was alive. I wish they were used more.

You ought never to sass old people- unless they sass you first.

It has taken a weary long time to persuade American Presbyterians to give up infant damnation and try to bear it the best they can.

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.

Definite speech means clarity of mind.

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.