Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.

English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks- if we agree with him.

We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies. We have not all been generals, or poets, or statesmen; but when the toast works down to the babies, we stand on common ground.

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man

Comedy keeps the heart sweet.

Don't wait the time is never just right.