Better a broken promise than none at all.

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.

The heart is the real fountain of youth.

I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can't spell, but I have never stooped to spell cat with a 'k' to get at your funny bone. I love a drink, but I never encouraged drunkenness by harping on its alleged funny side.

That is a simple rule, and easy to remember. When I, a thoughtful and unblessed Presbyterian, examine the Koran, I know that beyond any question every Mohammedan is insane; not in all things, but in religious matters.

There is only one good sex. The female one.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.