The lack of money is the root of all evil.

When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

There ain't nothing more to write about and I'm rotten glad of it, because if I'd know'd what trouble it was to make a book, I wouldn't a tackled it.

Protestant parents still keep a Bible handy in the house, so that the children can study it, and one of the first things the little boys and girls learn is to be righteous and holy and not piss against the wall. They study those passages more than they study any others, except those which incite to masturbation. Those they hunt out and study in private.