Education is what remains when what is learned has been taken away.

... the English alphabet is pure insanity..., It can hardly spell any word in the language with any degree of certainty.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

His head was an hour-glass; it could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a time, not the whole idea at once.