The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.

The statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception.

What a man misses mostly in heaven is company.

I have always been rather better treated in San Francisco than I actually deserved.

One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her.

In our day we don't allow a hundred and thirty years to elapse between glimpses of a marvel. If somebody should discover a creek in the county next to the one that the North Pole is in, Europe and America would start fifteen costly expeditions thither; one to explore the creek, and the other fourteen to hunt for each other.

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad.