The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad.

The newspaper that obstructs the law on a trivial pretext, for money's sake, is a dangerous enemy to the public weal. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse.

It is the will of God that we must have critics and missionaries and congressmen and humorists, and we must bear the burden

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Why was the human race created? Or at least why wasn't something creditable created in place of it? God had His opportunity. He could have made a reputation. But no, He must commit this grotesque folly - a lark which must have cost Him a regret or two when He came to think it over and observe effects.

The exercise of an extraordinary gift is the supremest pleasure in life.

Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.