Sometimes my feelings are so hot that I have to take the pen and put them out on paper to keep them from setting me afire inside; then all that ink and labor are wasted because I can't print the results

No one can tell me what is a good cigar--for me. I am the only judge... There are no standards--no real standards. Each man's preference is the only standard for him, the only one which he can accept, the only one which can command him.

What a man sees in the human race is merely himself in the deep and honest privacy of his own heart. Byron despised the race because he despised himself. I feel as Byron did, and for the same reason.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

A country without a patent office and good patent laws is just a crab, and can't travel any way but sideways and backways.

In German, a young lady has no sex, but a turnip has

She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.