The Book of Mormon is chloroform in print

Learning to play two pairs is worth about as much as a college education, and about as costly.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

Whenever he was out of luck and a little down-hearted, he would fall to mourning over the loss of a wonderful cat he used to own (for where women and children are not, men of kindly impulses take up with pets, for they must love something)

He wa'n't no common dog, he wa'n't no mongrel; he was a composite. A composite dog is a dog that is made up of all the valuable qualities that's in the dog breed-kind of a syndicate; and a mongrel is made up of all riffraff that's left over.

Man seems to be a rickety poor sort of thing, any way you take him; a kind of British Museum of infirmities and inferiorities. He is always undergoing repairs. A machine that was as unreliable as he is would have no market.