Human beings can be awful cruel to one another.

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.

The fear of lightning is one of the most distressing infirmities a human being can be afflicted with. It is mostly confined to women, but now and then you find it in a little dog, and sometimes a man.

Well - Patriotism has its laws. And it also is a perfectly definite one, there are not vaguenesses about it. It commands that the brother over the border shall be sharply watched and brought to book every time he does us a hurt or offends us with an insult.

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.

I never write "metropolis" for seven cents when I can write "city" and get paid the same.

Tis Better to Sit there and LOOK the fool, than to open your mouth and prove it.