You've got to embrace the future. You can whine about it, but you've got to embrace it.

'Adult Swim' on the Cartoon Network is unbelievable. And 'South Park' continues to do great stuff. And 'Family Guy' and the various other Seth MacFarlane projects are amazing.

The next time you are contemplating a decision in which you are debating whether or not to go for the gusto, ask yourself this important question: "How long am I going to be dead?" With that perspective, you can now make a free, fearless choice to do just about any goddamned sneaky thing your devious little mind can think up. Go ahead. Have your fun. You're welcome. Go on. See you in hell.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

I went to Bali, and I was in a small village, and somebody who was with me showed a woman a little figurine of Bart and asked: 'Do you know who this is?' And she said: 'Mickey Mouse.'

Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.