I once knew a girl who didn't know where anywhere was in the world. Not a clue. I asked her if she knew where Africa was and she answered, 'Is it the orange one on a map?'

I have two vintage typewriters. One just about works and the other hasn't a hope in hell, bless it. But they're both beautiful, and they'll stay with me just as long as there's a roof over my head.

Seven thirty in the morning is too early for a man of my standing.

I like a decent funeral, and God knows in my family we've seen enough of them. Looking through family photographs now is like watching an episode of 'Dad's Army.

I'm a Taurus, you know. A bull. I belong in a field.

I can't abide small talk.

I'm the worst ad anyone could possibly be for abstaining from anything.