I've been accused of not really paying attention to a sentence unless my name comes up in it twice.

In high school, my prom date fooled around with another guy - on prom night!

I can tell if someone is talking to me because I'm on 'Friends' or cause they just think I'm neat. You know I don't think I've ever spent more than five or ten minutes with somebody who was ogling me because they recognized me from the show.

To me, writing is remembering something funny that happened, or maybe something I said seven years ago.

Vicodin, I got addicted to that little pill. The reason I dont talk about it too much in the press is because it isnt funny, and I love to be funny in interviews. If you joke about that period in your life, it doesnt seem right.

I would like you all to give me a round of applause as I have not crashed my car in over 15 months.

I've been on a show before where I was on a billboard and then, after like three or four weeks, they took the billboard down and replaced it with nothing. Took my face down and put a white board up.