Oh my God!" said one of the Ambers. "Is this not the worst trip ever? Did you see the snow?" She was a sharp one, this Amber. What would she notice next? The train? The moon? The hilarious vagaries of human existence? Her own head?

It was as if the news itself wanted to reassure me. Even Jack the Ripper himself had reappeared as part of the greeting committee.

No sausage?" he asked. Apparently my pork consumption habits were a matter of public record.

I sleep better knowing that a naked cork-eater is not sneaking around at night, stealing my underwear.

I could envision it all to clearly: Stuart or Debbie finding the dented door off its hinges, lying in the snow. "She came in, ravaged the boy, stole plastic bags, and ripped off the door in her escape," the police would say in the APB. "Probably making her way to bust her parents out of jail.

She firmly held the theory that everyone gets at least one very stupid superpower.

Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies.