My liveliness is based on an incredible fear of death. In order to keep death at bay, I do a lot of "Yah! Yah! Yah!" And death says, "All right. He's too noisy and busy. I'll wait for someone who's sitting quietly, half asleep."

I like Chris Rock. He's dangerous.

Judd Apatow is pretty good, both as a producer and as a director.

The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision--it pleasurably reaffirms your Jewishness.

All short women have a delayed fuse. Marry a taller woman: My wife was an inch or two taller than me; it's a sign of security.

If you stand on a soapbox and trade rhetoric with a dictator you never win.

Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance.