My God, I'd love to smash into the casket of Dostoyevsky, grab that bony hand and scream at the remains, 'Well done, you god-damn genius.'

I'm always stunned when I find out people like Roosevelt and Tolstoy weren't Jewish. How could I love them so much?

In every spoof I make real love to the things I am spoofing.

If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.

All short women have a delayed fuse. Marry a taller woman: My wife was an inch or two taller than me; it's a sign of security.

I know how to make it a great musical. I've got to. It's like I've got to see it on stage.

All right, I am often brash, rude and brutally direct. Someday I'm going to die and I don't have time to toe-dance around the periphery of hatred.