I've always loved songwriting, and I vowed to be a songwriter like Cole Porter when I was only 9 years old.

Not only should we laugh about Hitler. We must laugh about him. Especially in Berlin.

The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision--it pleasurably reaffirms your Jewishness.

My brothers went to work at 12 and put themselves through school and brought the family out of ruin into food and clothing.

I love spaghetti and sex, sometimes together. My dream of heaven is walking naked through fields of pasta fazool.

When I was a little kid at home, I thought the whole world was Jewish. For years I thought Roosevelt was Jewish. I loved him. I thought of him as my father. I'm always stunned when I find out that people like Roosevelt and Tolstoy weren't Jewish. How could I love them so much?

Feeling different, feeling alienated, feeling persecuted, feeling that the only way to deal with the world is to laugh - because if you don't laugh you're going to cry and never stop crying - that's probably what's responsible for the Jews having developed such a great sense of humor. The people who had the greatest reason to weep, learned more than anyone else how to laugh.