The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly.

My job is to go out and entertain the most people possible. The job is to make people laugh. I don't have a mission. I don't have a torch to burn.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I'm married to a beautiful and talented woman who can lift your spirits just by looking at you.

Good taste is the enemy of comedy.

Let's have a merry journey, and shout about how light is good and dark is not. What we should do is not future ourselves so much. We should now ourselves. "Now thyself" is more important than "know thyself." Reason is what tells us to ignore the present and live in the future. So all we do is make plans. We think that somewhere there are going to be green pastures. It's crazy. Heaven is nothing but a grand, monumental instance of future. Listen, now is good. Now is wonderful.

Look, I had to take chances or it wasn't fun being funny.