You can't write a children's book that takes more than five or six minutes to read, because it will drive the parents batty. It has to be compact. Nobody thinks about the parents when they write these stupid books. I could write longer children's books, but it would actually be bad if I did.

I think people hate me pretty much across the board, which is nice.

I think in doing stand-up there are no rules and there's no architecture.

If you say "I'm going to be an actor, but I'll get a teaching degree just in case," when things get hard, you'll just be a teacher and that's how you get stuck.

With stand-up, you can be as freeform as you want to be. You can say what you want, how you want, at any moment without constraint.

The things I care about are the most pedestrian things in the world. I care about good ice cream and being a good dad and a decent husband.

I don't chase after things, but I put forward the effort and know the rest of it is out of my hands.